i cant control my tears

somehow i am unable to control my tears for the whole night. its been dripping and dripping. i really dun feel like going to sch.. i feel like running away from everything.. i feel like going into a world of my own... i feel like jus keeping to myself and myself alone. sigh. been a very emotional 2days for me.. guess when the people closest to my heart upset me, i will get very very very affected.. sometimes i wish i cant feel anything. why am i such an sensitive creature.. something which appears to be so darn small affects me so darn much. i hate it.... even las time in sec sch.. i was like that with aud.. but think it was much more worse. haiis. i hate it when i get so sensitive... perhaps its a gd idea if i am not close to anyone at all and jus be loner... my heart weighs so heavily now. i dun even know wads the real prob behind everything..i jus feel upset over the whole thing...............
GOD!!!!
it all started when i woke up on sat.... woke.. i literally dragged myself to wake up and i was all so cant make it.. niang calledd.. and the first thing i heard was they were going to have lunch together.. that even sian-ed me even more.. i had to go for sentosa quest. bo pian.. i pulled myself out of bed.. and dragged myself out of bed.. getting real emotional with no apparent reason. when i go to jnr cell on sats i am not like that.. i always go happily... as i reflect.. it is primers that i am going for.. and why am i like this??? whywhywhywhywhy! serving in primers is not as easy as i think.. its not as easy as it seems many months back.. its so diff.. but i will choose not to regret this.. i believe i am in here for a purpose.. for a reason.. so that God can use me.. althought i really do struggle alotalotalot now.. esp.. from 3 down to 2 den now 1.. its really a lonely journey.. reached harbour front... and the news i got was.. i was in this grp with ppl i dun really know at all.. it was all jus so wierd.. there were cliques and outcasted ones.. very hard to manage and mingle with them.. i really struggled alotalotalot there. i sitll tried my best to talk to everyone of them.. but its really wierdd.. thank God alotalotalot when it ended.. really waited badly for it to end.. sigh. wad a primer i am.. after that went for service very disturbed by wad happened during the whole acitivity.. i was so happy to head to church.. butbutbut... things werent wad it seemed.. think i chose to walk away and react in diff circumstance.. was really very very very very tired.. i felt at a lost.. i felt useless.. i felt as though everything seem so wrong... i din know wad to do.. thought i would be cheered up at the sight of the gals and niang.. but i was so wrong.. nothing seemed right than and i really felt like jus heading home and running away from everyone.. i was really on the verge to.. the night was not easy.. trying to manage my own emotions and also not to affect others.. went home... discovered something which i hope i nv did.. perhaps thats the extend things has changed until.. oh well.. dragged myself up in the morning again to go for DE meeting.. it was the worse state i was in ever in my entire life infront of DE24.. haii.. i duno wad it happening.. somehow no one understands.. and neither do i... lunlunlunandlun... almost broke down a few times.. but lucky i managed to hide.. cos if anyone were to ask.. i really dunno wad to say.. God jus wad are uu tryiin to tell/teach me??????? i pray that u would jus give me the heart and the compassion for the Primers oh lord..... plsplspls! i dun wan to struggle serving them.. i dun wan to struggle being with them.. i jus want to be myself serving them.. like wad i do back in church.. GOD!! serving primers is indeed a challenge compared to wad is done back in church cell.... but i want to conquer it with the strength and the courage of God! amen..

thank thee for the day

I really wanna thank God for this day! Woke up late.. so I rushed/dragged myself down to NP.. not very comfortable at first… but somehow somewhere I knew I had to go and make the first move.. its really wasn’t easy… and I really dunno how to communicate with them… the thing they talk/laugh about is erm.. dicks? Haha.. Oh wells, perhaps that’s jus the world out there.. and that’s why I am there… to be that testimony for God and also.. to transform lives.. the captain ball match was great.. has been long since I last exercised… hey! But my stamina is still there ok!!!! Lol… had fun overall and really happy to get to know the Primers better.. but was really upset with eve… haiis. Its His timing.. its His plan.. so will flow with it.. no use getting upset also… I thank thee for the day…
After that went to church.. really happy to see everyone.. and jus back in my comfort zone.. where I really can be myself.. and not afraid of anyone… J had a veryveryery good sermon.. where Ps Khong talked about a year of celebration.. and yes, I am gonna celebrate the good and the bad.. and NO ONE is gonna make me upset ever again… cos I have a God who is my joy.. a God who knows me best.. a God who understands wadeva I am going thru! PTLPTL! Really thank God for service. If not I think I would be qt ;( for cell.. perhaps wad suang said about without eve, liangming will tumble and die is true LAST time.. but not anymore.. cos I have a God who is greater than anything! Really had a fun time in cell today.. there were the laughing moments and the crying moments and the laughing and crying moments… hahaha.. praise God for this cell.. I really learn to treasure this cell more and more esp aft today… how much joy they can bring to me… how I can jus be myself in their presence.. I will learn not to look at the 1% upsetness.. but instead the 99% of joy.. anyway, was qt upset when eve ask me to go up and take the DVD.. I was all so tired and hot… and at that point of time.. I really ask… why must it be me? Why not loke? Why not joce since the DVD was for her and did eve understand me at all… but wad I got back from God was… wad we talked about in cell and church.. serving and celebration… so no matter how tired I was, yes.. I would serve my sister and celebrate that I had that chance to serve her.. anyway, thinking back now.. I would rather be the one to go up.. instead of eve… so thank God she asked me to go up.. cos I know she will not ask loke/joce to go up..
Anyway, I feel that things has changed for me and eve.. (eve if you are reading this, no hard feelings ok?) it is jus different alr… no longer like last time alr… be it in church, or anywhere else.. somehow that closeness is not there anymore .. somehow its jus different.. I dunno how to put it… and sometimes I really feel uu have something against me.. ok.. I think I am jus being sensitive that’s all.. but if uu really do have.. do let me know ok? If not.. its alright.. J
There is so much I can give, used to expect return… but not anymore.. cos with greater expectations come greater disappointments.. and I will be a cheerful giver to all ard me!
I will run this race, not by might, not by power, but by the spirit of God+
A lonely journey, but I will conquer… its really not easy…

irritated

ok. i am super duper irritated with myself now..!! my bus card is at eve's hosue. the blur me left it there. got games day tml.. and i am seriously really literally dragging myself there.. i am really caught in a spot. really pray that i would be able to interact well with the Primers. its always a fear.. ppl join CCAs with their frens.. all got cliques and all.. my so called clique?? eve.loke??? or are they even called cliques.. after all they are officers.. so its jus different. it has always been a struggle to communicate with the Primers... i duno why.. sometimes i question.. is this the place for me? is this the place God wans me to serve? i know the ans is YES.. but i really dunn see myself there yet.. i really want to break that barrier with the Primers.. now so many of them went HT trip.. relationships all formed le.. its even harder...... why cant i go for HT???? it jus makes things even harderrrrr.. nvm, i believe somehow its God's plan..
fighter+
i will this race+

3rd time

3rd time//
i will get use to it. cos it will jus repeat over and over and over again.

a fool

went to hospital to visit my ah gong today... things really dun seem good at all.. he seems really frail...and skinny.. personally, i am not close to my grandad.. and seriously, i dun feel a thing at all... am i a bad granddaughter? sighh... but still, of course i wan him to be alive... my prayer is that God would protect Him and as well as my grandma.. think my grandma is really going thru a rough patch.. she aint young too and her health is also not good... sigh... i think i am alr very very very lucky to have both sides grandparents to still be ard.. but the thing is i am not close to them.. so i dun have close relationship or that deep feelings for them... of course i still love them because they are my grandparents.. hee..
sometimes i really feel like a fool in front of you... sometimes i feel i am made a fool by you in front of the gals. but perhaps thats your way of managing and balancing us ba... when i am concern about uu infront of them... u always brush that concern away.. i believe its intentional... and know it is la.. qt DUH... so does that mean i should jus not bother about uu in their presence? oh God...!!! tell meee... wad to do... for God i'd be a fool?????? perhaps.... to jus show that concern if she wans she takes if she "dun wan" den leave it ba.. i think i am overly concerned thats why... oh well.. guess i need to adjust myself ba.. and also know that the way i am treated when the girls are ard and not ard would be very very very diff.. its a fact.. that i gotta accept.. Oh God give me the strength to go thru this.. give me the strength to "ignore" and also at the same time let the other gals takkaire of her ba.. i seriously hope that there will not be a time when i dun wan to mix with the gals alr bcos i cant be myself.. or perhaps...... thats why i am in Primers ba.. its gonnna be a obvious thing that my time spent with the gals will be less now alr.. a very sad thing.. but mayb its a blessing in disguise...???
oh yes.. had primer meeting yesterday... somehow.. i am glad. during this whole wk.. i really got to get to know some primers so much better.. i made the effort to go talk and interact with them.. its really not easy.. and my emotions and my feelings were rally tested during the congre meeting.. but somehow.. this is the "sad fact" of serving.. no matter how diff it would be on me.. i will not give up.. i will run this race till i see your face, not by might, not power but by the spirit of God.. yes.. this song spoke to me a great deal on sat's service.. was challenged within myself for alot of things.. alot of sacrifaces and going out of my comfort zone for Primers.. its not easy.. but i will hang on and see a breakthru for both myself and Primers.. i believe God would see me thru.. for God, i will run this race till the end.. amen.