a fool

went to hospital to visit my ah gong today... things really dun seem good at all.. he seems really frail...and skinny.. personally, i am not close to my grandad.. and seriously, i dun feel a thing at all... am i a bad granddaughter? sighh... but still, of course i wan him to be alive... my prayer is that God would protect Him and as well as my grandma.. think my grandma is really going thru a rough patch.. she aint young too and her health is also not good... sigh... i think i am alr very very very lucky to have both sides grandparents to still be ard.. but the thing is i am not close to them.. so i dun have close relationship or that deep feelings for them... of course i still love them because they are my grandparents.. hee..
sometimes i really feel like a fool in front of you... sometimes i feel i am made a fool by you in front of the gals. but perhaps thats your way of managing and balancing us ba... when i am concern about uu infront of them... u always brush that concern away.. i believe its intentional... and know it is la.. qt DUH... so does that mean i should jus not bother about uu in their presence? oh God...!!! tell meee... wad to do... for God i'd be a fool?????? perhaps.... to jus show that concern if she wans she takes if she "dun wan" den leave it ba.. i think i am overly concerned thats why... oh well.. guess i need to adjust myself ba.. and also know that the way i am treated when the girls are ard and not ard would be very very very diff.. its a fact.. that i gotta accept.. Oh God give me the strength to go thru this.. give me the strength to "ignore" and also at the same time let the other gals takkaire of her ba.. i seriously hope that there will not be a time when i dun wan to mix with the gals alr bcos i cant be myself.. or perhaps...... thats why i am in Primers ba.. its gonnna be a obvious thing that my time spent with the gals will be less now alr.. a very sad thing.. but mayb its a blessing in disguise...???
oh yes.. had primer meeting yesterday... somehow.. i am glad. during this whole wk.. i really got to get to know some primers so much better.. i made the effort to go talk and interact with them.. its really not easy.. and my emotions and my feelings were rally tested during the congre meeting.. but somehow.. this is the "sad fact" of serving.. no matter how diff it would be on me.. i will not give up.. i will run this race till i see your face, not by might, not power but by the spirit of God.. yes.. this song spoke to me a great deal on sat's service.. was challenged within myself for alot of things.. alot of sacrifaces and going out of my comfort zone for Primers.. its not easy.. but i will hang on and see a breakthru for both myself and Primers.. i believe God would see me thru.. for God, i will run this race till the end.. amen.