i cant control my tears

somehow i am unable to control my tears for the whole night. its been dripping and dripping. i really dun feel like going to sch.. i feel like running away from everything.. i feel like going into a world of my own... i feel like jus keeping to myself and myself alone. sigh. been a very emotional 2days for me.. guess when the people closest to my heart upset me, i will get very very very affected.. sometimes i wish i cant feel anything. why am i such an sensitive creature.. something which appears to be so darn small affects me so darn much. i hate it.... even las time in sec sch.. i was like that with aud.. but think it was much more worse. haiis. i hate it when i get so sensitive... perhaps its a gd idea if i am not close to anyone at all and jus be loner... my heart weighs so heavily now. i dun even know wads the real prob behind everything..i jus feel upset over the whole thing...............
GOD!!!!
it all started when i woke up on sat.... woke.. i literally dragged myself to wake up and i was all so cant make it.. niang calledd.. and the first thing i heard was they were going to have lunch together.. that even sian-ed me even more.. i had to go for sentosa quest. bo pian.. i pulled myself out of bed.. and dragged myself out of bed.. getting real emotional with no apparent reason. when i go to jnr cell on sats i am not like that.. i always go happily... as i reflect.. it is primers that i am going for.. and why am i like this??? whywhywhywhywhy! serving in primers is not as easy as i think.. its not as easy as it seems many months back.. its so diff.. but i will choose not to regret this.. i believe i am in here for a purpose.. for a reason.. so that God can use me.. althought i really do struggle alotalotalot now.. esp.. from 3 down to 2 den now 1.. its really a lonely journey.. reached harbour front... and the news i got was.. i was in this grp with ppl i dun really know at all.. it was all jus so wierd.. there were cliques and outcasted ones.. very hard to manage and mingle with them.. i really struggled alotalotalot there. i sitll tried my best to talk to everyone of them.. but its really wierdd.. thank God alotalotalot when it ended.. really waited badly for it to end.. sigh. wad a primer i am.. after that went for service very disturbed by wad happened during the whole acitivity.. i was so happy to head to church.. butbutbut... things werent wad it seemed.. think i chose to walk away and react in diff circumstance.. was really very very very very tired.. i felt at a lost.. i felt useless.. i felt as though everything seem so wrong... i din know wad to do.. thought i would be cheered up at the sight of the gals and niang.. but i was so wrong.. nothing seemed right than and i really felt like jus heading home and running away from everyone.. i was really on the verge to.. the night was not easy.. trying to manage my own emotions and also not to affect others.. went home... discovered something which i hope i nv did.. perhaps thats the extend things has changed until.. oh well.. dragged myself up in the morning again to go for DE meeting.. it was the worse state i was in ever in my entire life infront of DE24.. haii.. i duno wad it happening.. somehow no one understands.. and neither do i... lunlunlunandlun... almost broke down a few times.. but lucky i managed to hide.. cos if anyone were to ask.. i really dunno wad to say.. God jus wad are uu tryiin to tell/teach me??????? i pray that u would jus give me the heart and the compassion for the Primers oh lord..... plsplspls! i dun wan to struggle serving them.. i dun wan to struggle being with them.. i jus want to be myself serving them.. like wad i do back in church.. GOD!! serving primers is indeed a challenge compared to wad is done back in church cell.... but i want to conquer it with the strength and the courage of God! amen..